As I'm sitting in my apartment waiting for the 3 hour documentary about Noam Chomsky and Manufacturing Consent I'm in the middle of watching for class tomorrow to buffer, I'm thinking about a lot of things.
Since I've been in Tennessee, I've never regretted it. But that's not to say it hasn't been hard at times - for several reasons; missing family, people thinking I'm crazy, feeling outcasted from friends and a community I genuinely care about, and just leaving behind all that I had known to do something I didn't know much about, with people I barely knew, in a place I'd never been. I'd find myself lost in crazy thoughts that were just no good: mulling over silly comments made by people, past experiences...I could go on. And with learning more about God and gaining a clearer vision every day for my purpose and my dreams, I have been faced with truths about myself contrary to what I've always believed. In the future, I will help oppressed women and children find healing, find a purpose, and find a voice. However, I'm learning how impossible it is to help weak and broken people when I myself am weak and broken. I've always been stubborn and independent, so facing these scars I never knew where there has been difficult.
BUT... although these moments happen from time to time, this past week, I've been filled with joy nearly all of the time. I find myself at the oddest times simply stopping and thinking about how wonderfully blessed I am. Looking at my apartment full of friends I've grown to deeply care about - all doing homework together, or looking around at our entire community dancing to African worship songs.
I'm learning what it feels like for people outside of my immediate family to love me unconditionally... and for my stubborn, independent self to believe I'm worthy of this love. People inviting me over to their houses and cooking dinner for me; bringing me milkshakes for no reason; stopping to talk to me even with hours of homework to finish; paying for my gas; or just coming up to me to tell me they've been thinking about me or want to tell me how happy they are that I'm here.
With hours of homework left and my alarm set to go off in 3.5 hours, I've never been happier. I miss people at home a lot, but it's always such a wonderful thing to hear from them. Today, my step mom texted me to tell me how much she missed me and loved me and my mom texted telling me her and my grandma want to come down in a couple weekends. And I still have a voicemail saved on my phone from a call I got from my precious Marigrace... that I will listen to every once in a while just to hear her precious little voice. :) I also have a voicemail on my phone from my aunt.... who I will be calling back tomorrow!
My heart is so full, sometimes I think it could burst :)
I should go to bed now. I'm feeling the loopy-ness that comes with lack of sleep.
i want to tell you once again you made me cry with your precious words of wisdom ! i dont know any one that can spill there heart out on a peace of paper like you do .. i miss and love you very much and we are all counting the days till thanksgiving so we can see your beautiful face !! call me if you need anything .
ReplyDeletedo you need some spending money if so hit me up i have a little extra :) but dont tell rusty he will want it lol !! jk ......